Today I've spent a great deal of time in thought as a young life was tragically ended earlier this week. High school junior, Dana Hannibal, made the choice to take her own life on February 29, 2012. As a mother, my heart breaks for her family.
In the wake of this tragic loss, a Facebook event was started called "Hands & Words are Not for Hurting." You would think that such an event wouldn't be controversial and people could get on board. However I've noticed some comments that caused even more thinking on my part.
Some of the comments seem to be coming from individuals that I would say are most likely under the age of 20. Some of the comments seem pretty harsh, judgmental and cruel.
At first I was angry. Then I realized that these youth really don't have any life experience to make any truly informed opinions on such an emotional and difficult subject matter. As such, I think I'll let those comments slide.
But I do have some things to say on the subject.
Suicide is a choice that is not lightly made. Suicide is typically an option utilized when someone feels so much darkness and despair that they truly feel there is no other viable option to them. (I'm not taking into account death with dignity due to a diminished quality of life - that's whole other ball of wax and thought process.) Most people cannot fathom the emotional turmoil and complete hopelessness that someone feels when they've reached this point.
When someone takes their own life, those left behind may beat themselves up for weeks, months or even years. They may wonder what they missed. Was there a sign that they didn't see? Were they not paying attention? Was there a cry for help?
Some friends and loved ones left behind may feel angry. You have that right. You may feel that the person who left you was selfish. Again, you have that right. While I don't want to take anything away from what you're feeling in your time of mourning, I would ask that you are compassionate in how you vocalize how upset you are. It can be very upsetting to someone else to hear you say how selfish their departed loved one was. This is a trying time for everyone.
The other subject that I want to touch on is bullies.
I've been quite heartbroken to see several people make some pretty cruel comments and join some rather distasteful groups in response to individuals who have taken their own lives in response to bullies.
For this portion, I will share my own tale of woe and near demise.
It's certainly no secret that as a child I was not well liked. I was not popular. I was picked on. I was bullied. Try as I might, I simply could not make friends easily and I was always striving to be with those who wanted nothing to do with me. By the time I reached middle school, my heart was breaking with the loneliness.
I couldn't be me, because who I was wasn't someone that people liked. My parents didn't have much money and I was learning that this is what other people found desirable. I didn't have name brand clothes. I'd been on the "school takes the poor kids to get free clothes shopping" list and nothing I ever did seemed to be good enough. Add to that the changes in my developing body, the things people said about me that weren't true and the undermined identity I was trying to create and I was an unfortunate mess waiting for an unfortunate event.
People didn't seem to know or care that, even though I was a virgin and didn't know a thing about sex or making out, classmates called me a slut and a whore. People didn't seem to know or care that some people physically harmed me at school. I'd been hit. I'd been pushed. I'd been shoved. I'd had someone slam my locker on my head. I'd had my hair pulled. People didn't seem to know or care that the "popular" girls made fun of my hair and my clothes and my makeup. They made fun of my home because we lived in a city housing development. They made fun of me because we received free lunch. When I was in an accident and ripped the ligaments and the tendons in my knee and had to wear a full leg brace and use crutches, people called me a liar and said that I was faking. Boys told people that I had sex with them and that I performed certain acts on them when I had never had a thing to do with them and didn't even know what those acts were.
When I made the decision that I'd had enough, I cried. I felt so completely overwhelmed with life. I felt so hated. I felt that there was no reason for me to exist because so many people seemed to despise my very being. I just wanted all of the pain to end. For people that don't deal with this type of abuse day in and day out, you have no idea how exhausting it is. It tears at your soul. You pray every night to go to sleep and simply never wake up. You want it to happen without your intervention. You have no will to go on. You have no desire to move forward. You don't want to talk about it. You don't want to tell anyone because you fear more ridicule and pain if someone knows. You only want it to end. If you have never felt such emotional turmoil, you can never, ever know what it feels like to want nothing more than to close you eyes and to never have them open again.
In my case, I stole my mothers heart pills. I took an entire bottle and went to sleep. I hoped to have my wish of falling asleep and never waking up.
The only reason I woke was that my friend Angel called and someone woke me up. I didn't answer the phone. I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Violently. I felt funny. I didn't tell anyone what had happened. They just thought I was sick with the flu or something for a few days. I was really sick.
I recovered. My mom never asked about her medication. I never shared the tale before today.
After that, I didn't attempt to take my life again. I engaged in other destructive behavior. I'm glad that I didn't. I have a beautiful family that I love with all of my heart. I'm able to share my stories. I'm able to help others.
And with that story I beg those of you that take bullying lightly to rethink your stance. You may think that they're just words and that people should "just get over it" but I'm here to tell you that unless you've been through it, you truly have no idea how painful and desperate such things can make you feel.
Think of it another way, if you can.
What if it were your child being picked on? What if it were your child being bullied? If you can't picture your own child, try your sister or brother. What if their bully has driven them to the darkness that I felt. Can you still so easily say "get over it?" Do you still consider a suicide victim to be an ignorant cunt? Are you still so easily able to laugh at them?
It takes only a little compassion to possibly save a life. Please take this into consideration in the future.
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, there are resources. Please visit http://suicidepreventionlifeline.com/ or call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or in Spanish 888-628-9454.
Other helpful resources:
http://us.reachout.com/
http://www.orpartnership.org/
877-553-8366
http://www.nami.org/
800-951-NAMI
http://www.anxietypanicsupport.com/
800-64-PANIC
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/
800-931-2237
http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/index.php
888-424-3577
http://www.addictioncareoptions.com/
800-784-6776
Please share these resources. Perhaps you can play some part in saving a bright young life.
Rest in Peace Dana. The world truly is a dimmer place without your shining soul in it.
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