It's no secret that I've had some terrible troubles sleeping with all of the stresses going on in my life right now. I've learned that one Ambien doesn't really help as I would like it to. On occasion, I will take two when I know I need to actually stay asleep for at least 7 hours.
The thing is, I've taken my ambien and then sat down to watch a TV show or a movie or, in tonight's event, a UFC fight. I'm coherent, though slightly slurred in thought and speech. But I seem to be here for the most part. Nobody will realize just how much of these fights I will have forgotten in the morning.
Last night, I watched True Blood. I appeared to be quite attentive. We had conversations about what was going on. Before I closed my eyes, everything seemed so absolutely clear to me.
But something happens in this Ambien trance. Once you hit the pillow and close your eyes, there is zero continued thought process. TKO. When I take one, I'm up in about 3 hours, which is about an hour and a half longer than I get just tying to sleep alone. With two, I' out from 5-7 hours. This is what I desire for tonight.
Twice in the past I've had to re-watch episodes of something to refresh my memories. It happened once with Dollhouse and then last night with True Blood.
It doesn't leave me blank. I just don't recall as clearly as I'd like to. Items that seem to be of less action, easily fall aside and i can't recall them at all.
This experiment is to see how much sense I make with blogging on Ambien. My thoughts are slow and I'm distracted by the fights, but I feel fine.
This past weekend was a very small birthday celebration for my hunny bunny's 40th birthday. We had a few friends over, made too much food and enjoyed some good drinks. There were laughs all around. I hope we didn't scare away the new girl, Deanna. She was quiet but seemed nice. I'd like to have her come back and join us sometime.
Melinda made a most awesome cake for Ken. It's a Toilet cake that states "It all goes to shit after 40" and the fantabulously silly girl drove to my house in Salem from Marysville just to deliver this fantastic cake gift. It was great! Everyone loved it and most people had some. The kids have now got it almost demolished, but there is a little bit left. The an animals keep eyeballing it. THANK YOU MELINDA! YOU ROCK!!!!
Kat, always wanting to bring surprises for special occasions, brought a bottle of patrone. We left it sealed and worshiped it for a little while before taking pictures and then passing it around. I feel so classy - I never would have gotten Patrone on my own. Kat loves us! Ken is so spoiled heheheh. KAT YOU MAKES HIM FEEL LIKED!
Other than the abuse of Matt by the drunken women, *cough*Kat & Crystal*cough* I think he had a good time. I hope so anyway. I bet next time he brings Bud as a sacrifice hehehe I think the ladies had fun as well and brought us lots of laughs.
There is of course the appreciation that Matt & Amy and Mark & Rhonda and Sage are always here for our special occasions. Even when Amy was feeling like Quasimodo with her back issues, she championed her way on over here to be part of the memories.
I'm sorry we missed those that were unable to attend. I know there was another party going on at the same time - Happy Birthday Tim and Frank! I'm sorry we couldn't be there as well, but things ended up changing and we missed the big bash - I love you guys and hope your birthdays and party was just as fun as our little shindig here.
The four days off of work to focus on my darling husband was great. I love spending time with him, curled up with him (not being molested by him but just being held) and I love watching him look at things with new eyes. The sunrise, the sunset, nature in general... he's appreciating beauty that he maybe took for granted before. It's all very romanntical at times.
This extra time that I've spent with my friends and loved ones has really helped me stabilize a bit better and I hope to handle the stresses ahead in an appropriate manner.
I'm running out of things to babble about. I wish I had something funny or profound to share, but my brain is running on empty right now.
With that - I will send out a HUGS ALL AROUND to my dear friends and supporters. I love you all and I'm very blessed to have you in my life.
Without your thoughts and support I'm sure I would have been institutionalized may many moons ago. With everything from you, I'm a sane woman that is no longer medicated and functioning more clearly than I have in years. I attribute that healing to all of you. Thank you. I love you. Please take care of yourselves.
And with that I'm about out for the night. Gotta clean this up a bit and get to bed.
Nite Nite All. Sleep sweet.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I think I saw a roadkill tribble
There's no real reason for the title. I'm just in a mood. I'm sitting back watching the young people wander through the house, remembering when they were little tykes.
They're kind of mopey because summer is almost over and school re-starts soon. They are not particularly fond of the thought of returning to school. I remember when they were little and excited for the opportunity to learn more and play with other kids. I don't know if it's the age or if it's something else.
I watch them as I force them to do things on their own. They're not fond of that either. They would prefer that I handle most of the things involving other people. They don't even like to speak directly to the person behind the counter at a fast food joint to get some food. This week I made them go do their school registration alone. Aaron actually handled the news well. Mark was vocally displeased. Shandi was silent but chugged along.
In one regard it makes me sad. The mom part of me remembers when they were helpless little critters that relied on me for everything. It's really hard to give that up.
But the realistic side of me knows that they really do have to start preparing for the outside world. The time that they have left at home is quickly running out.
The boys believe that they are already ready and able to head out on their own. They are excited at the prospect of being adults. I'm not so sure how well they're going to take it when the pains of adulthood set in. I mean, I'm not going to pay for their cell phones forever. They'll be forced to get their own medical insurance. There's a whole new level of accountability that I don't think they really comprehend. It's kind of scary!
Even Shandi is looking forward to going out on her own. That's the most difficult I think. After all, she's the baby. She used to talk about how she was going to go get a job at the local grocery store so she could pay for food and then come take care of mommy and daddy. Now she's obsessed with all things Japanese and plans to run away to Japan. She's not sure what she's going to do there, but she wants to head on over there. But I have a little more time with her. Not much, but a little more. Strangely, she seems to be the only one really worrying about the whole job concept.
I still find it fascinating to look at the transformation from adorable little chubby-faced munchkins to these amazing young adults. They're tall. They look grown. They have opinions. It's just awesome. It makes me smile.
I love them so very much. Even when they're being difficult. (Boy-howdy can they be difficult!)
I guess I'm having one of those "glowing mommy" moments. I love these moments.
They're kind of mopey because summer is almost over and school re-starts soon. They are not particularly fond of the thought of returning to school. I remember when they were little and excited for the opportunity to learn more and play with other kids. I don't know if it's the age or if it's something else.
I watch them as I force them to do things on their own. They're not fond of that either. They would prefer that I handle most of the things involving other people. They don't even like to speak directly to the person behind the counter at a fast food joint to get some food. This week I made them go do their school registration alone. Aaron actually handled the news well. Mark was vocally displeased. Shandi was silent but chugged along.
In one regard it makes me sad. The mom part of me remembers when they were helpless little critters that relied on me for everything. It's really hard to give that up.
But the realistic side of me knows that they really do have to start preparing for the outside world. The time that they have left at home is quickly running out.
The boys believe that they are already ready and able to head out on their own. They are excited at the prospect of being adults. I'm not so sure how well they're going to take it when the pains of adulthood set in. I mean, I'm not going to pay for their cell phones forever. They'll be forced to get their own medical insurance. There's a whole new level of accountability that I don't think they really comprehend. It's kind of scary!
Even Shandi is looking forward to going out on her own. That's the most difficult I think. After all, she's the baby. She used to talk about how she was going to go get a job at the local grocery store so she could pay for food and then come take care of mommy and daddy. Now she's obsessed with all things Japanese and plans to run away to Japan. She's not sure what she's going to do there, but she wants to head on over there. But I have a little more time with her. Not much, but a little more. Strangely, she seems to be the only one really worrying about the whole job concept.
I still find it fascinating to look at the transformation from adorable little chubby-faced munchkins to these amazing young adults. They're tall. They look grown. They have opinions. It's just awesome. It makes me smile.
I love them so very much. Even when they're being difficult. (Boy-howdy can they be difficult!)
I guess I'm having one of those "glowing mommy" moments. I love these moments.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Just Rambling Along
It's been so long since I've posted anything. I hate being confined by legal bullshit. Contracts have been signed, my silence has been forced. As such, I can't share how utterly fucking miserable I've been these past few months. I can't talk about the bullshit and lies that I've been dealing with. I can't disclose that the other side gets to tell whomever they feel whatever they want about me, about us, and that nobody bothers to check with me or us to get the facts.
What I can say, and have openly said, is that this whole cluster fuck will not end well for me. Though I've done nothing wrong, I'm being portrayed as incompetent, ungrateful and vindictive. The powers that be are angry at me, at us, because they don't seek clarity from us and take what they're being given as the word of God.
I can say now, it would have done absolutely no good Shel. And though it's belated, I'm getting mine.
I see the past more clearly now. I understand where I failed. I trusted and accepted things that were told to me. I didn't see how I was manipulated and played. Silly, stupid me.
But I can learn from it. I can grow from it. I will apply this very harsh lesson and move on.
I'm going to be looking for a new job. I hope to stay within the state system. I like the concept of working for a greater good. I like to feel as though I'm contributing to something more than myself. I don't enjoy the inevitable bashings that come from the outside, but I can get past those and know that what I'm doing is good.
I'll be sending an e-mail to my current employer, letting her know that I'm planning to move on. There are things that I need from her and I think that failing to give her a heads-up would only make things worse for me.
It makes me sad. I loved my job. I foolishly thought that I had found the place that I could stay for years to come. I had hoped that I could be one of those people that found my place and could stay there until retirement. Silly little girl dreams. Those places rarely exist any more. I'll keep looking and hoping, but I won't give myself over like I did this time. Oh no - I've learned.
I've learned so very much, particularly over the past several months. I've learned that I trust too much, I share too much and I believe too much. I know now to keep my distance, to be friendly but not friends and never to trust those in power. I've learned that in the game of politics, nobody means a damned word they say. I've learned that those in power, when confronted with the ills that they've done, will turn on those around them. They won't take responsibility for what they've done - shit rolls down hill and I wasn't paying attention down at the bottom.
I've learned that it's my job to make the boss look good. Don't feel bad when something I've done doesn't get recognized, I'm not meant to be given credit. It's all for the boss. And at the same time, I know that if the boss has been caught doing something wrong it's my job to be the scapegoat. Excuses will be made, fingers will be pointing and stories will be told to those in power. Everything will fall to me. (Or to one of the other subordinates - depending on who is not present when the issue comes to light. We can't have anyone possibly defending themselves, now can we?)
I will take these harsh lessons with me wherever I go. I will keep my head down and my mouth shut. I will complete the tasks that are given to me and simply go home at the end of the day. I will not trap myself in my work, I will not care as much as I have here.
It's my choice to move on. Oh, I'm fully aware that if it weren't for the union protecting me there would have been reasons created to do away with me by now. After all, I exposed the truth. I did my job with the utmost integrity, even when I knew it would be the end of me. Currently the powers that be are trapped with me. They can't just toss me aside like I know they want to. But the way things are... the changes occurring... the things being taken away from me... I just don't have the strength to fight it out any more.
Sabrina was right. I've been fighting something for so long now. Maybe now is the time to stop fighting. Maybe if I just let go and move on, something more spectacular will come to me. And with that, maybe I can be happy again.
I'm sorry to leave Kat and Crystal. We work so well together. We've bonded and become one cohesive unit through all of this. I will miss them terribly. I'll miss J. She actually cared enough to ask questions. She apologized for jumping to conclusions. She truly wanted to make it better. I'll miss the examiners. I'll miss the licensees I've gotten to deal with. I'll miss being the one who's been there the longest; even longer than the boss. I'll miss being someone that has a little bit of history that I can share when the need arises. I'll miss using that place to hang on to Bev and Jacqueline and Shel. Now I'll have to be a good girl and make actual efforts to make contact. I've been very bad about that.
I hope that with the current job market and state of the economy that I can still find something in a reasonable period of time. Please give me your thoughts and prayers as I go though this process. It's going to be hard for me. I fear change and I always have so little confidence in myself when I start something new.
I'm sorry that I can't provide details with what's going on. I don't have a full understanding of what the consequences are for providing detail. I could assume the least that would happen is that I'd lose my job. Since I don't have another one lined up yet, that would be a disaster. I do have a mortgage to pay, kids to feed and a life to live. Trust me, if I didn't need the job right now I'd just call it quits and spill my guts. Maybe some day. Or maybe I'll be so happy to get out of it I won't want to mention it ever again. I think that would be a nice option.
What I can say, and have openly said, is that this whole cluster fuck will not end well for me. Though I've done nothing wrong, I'm being portrayed as incompetent, ungrateful and vindictive. The powers that be are angry at me, at us, because they don't seek clarity from us and take what they're being given as the word of God.
I can say now, it would have done absolutely no good Shel. And though it's belated, I'm getting mine.
I see the past more clearly now. I understand where I failed. I trusted and accepted things that were told to me. I didn't see how I was manipulated and played. Silly, stupid me.
But I can learn from it. I can grow from it. I will apply this very harsh lesson and move on.
I'm going to be looking for a new job. I hope to stay within the state system. I like the concept of working for a greater good. I like to feel as though I'm contributing to something more than myself. I don't enjoy the inevitable bashings that come from the outside, but I can get past those and know that what I'm doing is good.
I'll be sending an e-mail to my current employer, letting her know that I'm planning to move on. There are things that I need from her and I think that failing to give her a heads-up would only make things worse for me.
It makes me sad. I loved my job. I foolishly thought that I had found the place that I could stay for years to come. I had hoped that I could be one of those people that found my place and could stay there until retirement. Silly little girl dreams. Those places rarely exist any more. I'll keep looking and hoping, but I won't give myself over like I did this time. Oh no - I've learned.
I've learned so very much, particularly over the past several months. I've learned that I trust too much, I share too much and I believe too much. I know now to keep my distance, to be friendly but not friends and never to trust those in power. I've learned that in the game of politics, nobody means a damned word they say. I've learned that those in power, when confronted with the ills that they've done, will turn on those around them. They won't take responsibility for what they've done - shit rolls down hill and I wasn't paying attention down at the bottom.
I've learned that it's my job to make the boss look good. Don't feel bad when something I've done doesn't get recognized, I'm not meant to be given credit. It's all for the boss. And at the same time, I know that if the boss has been caught doing something wrong it's my job to be the scapegoat. Excuses will be made, fingers will be pointing and stories will be told to those in power. Everything will fall to me. (Or to one of the other subordinates - depending on who is not present when the issue comes to light. We can't have anyone possibly defending themselves, now can we?)
I will take these harsh lessons with me wherever I go. I will keep my head down and my mouth shut. I will complete the tasks that are given to me and simply go home at the end of the day. I will not trap myself in my work, I will not care as much as I have here.
It's my choice to move on. Oh, I'm fully aware that if it weren't for the union protecting me there would have been reasons created to do away with me by now. After all, I exposed the truth. I did my job with the utmost integrity, even when I knew it would be the end of me. Currently the powers that be are trapped with me. They can't just toss me aside like I know they want to. But the way things are... the changes occurring... the things being taken away from me... I just don't have the strength to fight it out any more.
Sabrina was right. I've been fighting something for so long now. Maybe now is the time to stop fighting. Maybe if I just let go and move on, something more spectacular will come to me. And with that, maybe I can be happy again.
I'm sorry to leave Kat and Crystal. We work so well together. We've bonded and become one cohesive unit through all of this. I will miss them terribly. I'll miss J. She actually cared enough to ask questions. She apologized for jumping to conclusions. She truly wanted to make it better. I'll miss the examiners. I'll miss the licensees I've gotten to deal with. I'll miss being the one who's been there the longest; even longer than the boss. I'll miss being someone that has a little bit of history that I can share when the need arises. I'll miss using that place to hang on to Bev and Jacqueline and Shel. Now I'll have to be a good girl and make actual efforts to make contact. I've been very bad about that.
I hope that with the current job market and state of the economy that I can still find something in a reasonable period of time. Please give me your thoughts and prayers as I go though this process. It's going to be hard for me. I fear change and I always have so little confidence in myself when I start something new.
I'm sorry that I can't provide details with what's going on. I don't have a full understanding of what the consequences are for providing detail. I could assume the least that would happen is that I'd lose my job. Since I don't have another one lined up yet, that would be a disaster. I do have a mortgage to pay, kids to feed and a life to live. Trust me, if I didn't need the job right now I'd just call it quits and spill my guts. Maybe some day. Or maybe I'll be so happy to get out of it I won't want to mention it ever again. I think that would be a nice option.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
ultra long, ultra whiney shattered silence
Since all is done, thought certainly not said as you'll see by my long winded, foul-mouthed diatribe, I can break my silence. I can whine and bitch and moan and groan and cry foul to all the world!
Why can I do this, one might ask? Because IT - the dreaded and never-ending IT - is over. And most of you aren't going to like the results. Those that do, can fuck right the hell off. Thank you and good day.
Those that support me can feel free to join me in fucking off the rest of the world. It will be one giant fuck-off-fest! (And I haven't even started drinking yet!)
Let me go back several weeks - nay a couple of months- and share my agony that I hid from (most of) the world.
Back in February, the trial of Heidi was postponed because they were negotiating settlement. As part of the settlement process, I had a meeting with the DA. It was with the DA that I agreed I wouldn't blog about our conversation. Now that it's over with, I'm breaking my silence.
It seems there were some concerns about the outcome of the case if it were to go to trial. There was a HUGE concern for me because, as it turns out, my mental health was an issue.
I know - it should have been irrelevant. It's wasn't.
If the case would have gone forward to trial, essentially I would be the one on trial. My sanity would be called into question. Me level of safety as a parent would be brought up. My journal, which I call therapeutic and creative and healing, would be used against me. My mental health record would be splayed before a jury and I would be put on display as a crazy woman. My poem, which the DA said she personally liked, would be read to a jury. The defense would not paint me as a wounded mother, but as a sociopath who doesn't deserve to have her children and that Heidi was protecting Kendra from me.
This would all be before they settled into trying to prove that my husband was a child abuser and painted a picture of the day we went to court when I signed Kendra over to Patty in the first place. Remember when the officer all but flat out accused my husband of molesting my daughter?
I told the DA at that time that I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be and that I will own any mistakes that I've made. I'm honest. I will share my pain. But she was a mental health advocate prior to this and she said she's concerned how I would handle it all.
She tried to make me feel better by telling me that this has cost Heidi a great deal. She doesn't have a court appointed attorney. This has been a financial hit. She's had to go to court. Blah blah blah fucking blah.
It was a lovely meeting. I sat there crying as I was basically told in not so many words that I should prepare to get fucked the hell over on this one. And I was. No kiss. No foreplay. No lube. No respect in the morning.
April 15th was her day to go meet with the judge. I don't know what happened there. It's all behind closed doors. And why would anyone need to hear from me anyway? **rolls eyes**
Today I opened the letter that had the official case dismissal.
I'm a real fucking peach right now, as you can imagine.
Add to that this messed up crap from work, and it's amazing I'm not curled up in a corner holding myself rocking back and forth crying for the Gods to come help me.
What's going on with work you ask?
It's really hard to get into because there's so much spin and bullshit being thrown around I don't have a straight answer. I can only tell you how I feel about what I'm perceiving to be happening. As a point of clarification, I've already been told that I'm wrong because nobody knows what's going on. So I guess, based on that spin, I'm "jumping to conclusions".
I'm also trying to figure out how to share the information without making it sound like I hate my job. I don't. In fact, I love my job. I enjoy what I do. I thought I had been doing a good job.
I've been told that any changes are in no way a reflection of my job or my abilities. HOWEVER, and this is how I took it, I've essentially capped out my skill level and the organization needs to be taken further. Someone is being looked at to be brought on board to "take us to that next level". The someone being looked at has skills that I don't have and connections that I don't have. As such, that someone would be placed as a manager over me and what I do.
Now I've been told that we don't know what anything will *really* look like with the new person on board, just that they will be over me but other than that it's unknown. As such I've been asked to look at my job duties and basically parse them out based on what I see myself doing or where I see myself going in the future. This will somehow leave me with some of what I'm doing, though I don't know what exactly, and leave this new manager person with some of what I'm doing.
The problems I have are as follows:
1. Since I'm the insubordinate (read piss boy) I don't see why it's my job to change my job duties/description. It would seem to me that this is something that the employer would do.
2. I'd really rather just be told what the fuck to do so I can do it (inadequately apparently) and be done with it.
3. I don't appreciate this make me design my manager's job description thing.
4. I don't believe that I'm being told the complete truth about what's going on in the first place. Why does there need to be spin and shit? If you feel like the organization is running shitty then say it and be done with it but don't play this political smiley face make everyone think it's all ok crap.
5. Now I'm going to have to get the union involved. And I fucking hate the union. I hate having to go to someone that I hate.
6. Don't EVEN fucking think for half a second that you're going to tell me that my skill level is capped out and that I'm essentially stunted as a professional and then expect me to train this person you're putting over me. What are you doing? Having the retard train the engineer?
I feel stuck right now. I'm really damned if I do, damned if I don't. Either I can shut up and try to create these new job tasks as I've been asked to, or I can simply say that I don't have enough information or skills or whatever and just not do it. I don't know what the repercussions are either way. Either way I could be fucking myself professionally.
So what do you think? What are your opinions on this whole job thing? That is if my understanding of things is accurate of course.
Like I said, I love my job. I thought I did it well. Am I perfect? Fuck no. I've never pretended to be. I'm only human but I do the best that I can. I suddenly feel like my best is inadequate. It's been a real hit to my ego. I feel like I've been called stunted and untrainable.
I'm more tired than pissed off. I'm so very, very tired over the work thing.
And to top everything off... the giant cherry on the fuckme sunday... I hit a fucking pole with my car! A little, ha-ha can't see me when you're backing up and turning out of the parking lot, pole. Sneaky piece of shit pole.
I cracked under the pressure and I'm now enjoying myself a butterscotch schnapps slushee. Fuck off. I'm from Montana.
Why can I do this, one might ask? Because IT - the dreaded and never-ending IT - is over. And most of you aren't going to like the results. Those that do, can fuck right the hell off. Thank you and good day.
Those that support me can feel free to join me in fucking off the rest of the world. It will be one giant fuck-off-fest! (And I haven't even started drinking yet!)
Let me go back several weeks - nay a couple of months- and share my agony that I hid from (most of) the world.
Back in February, the trial of Heidi was postponed because they were negotiating settlement. As part of the settlement process, I had a meeting with the DA. It was with the DA that I agreed I wouldn't blog about our conversation. Now that it's over with, I'm breaking my silence.
It seems there were some concerns about the outcome of the case if it were to go to trial. There was a HUGE concern for me because, as it turns out, my mental health was an issue.
I know - it should have been irrelevant. It's wasn't.
If the case would have gone forward to trial, essentially I would be the one on trial. My sanity would be called into question. Me level of safety as a parent would be brought up. My journal, which I call therapeutic and creative and healing, would be used against me. My mental health record would be splayed before a jury and I would be put on display as a crazy woman. My poem, which the DA said she personally liked, would be read to a jury. The defense would not paint me as a wounded mother, but as a sociopath who doesn't deserve to have her children and that Heidi was protecting Kendra from me.
This would all be before they settled into trying to prove that my husband was a child abuser and painted a picture of the day we went to court when I signed Kendra over to Patty in the first place. Remember when the officer all but flat out accused my husband of molesting my daughter?
I told the DA at that time that I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be and that I will own any mistakes that I've made. I'm honest. I will share my pain. But she was a mental health advocate prior to this and she said she's concerned how I would handle it all.
She tried to make me feel better by telling me that this has cost Heidi a great deal. She doesn't have a court appointed attorney. This has been a financial hit. She's had to go to court. Blah blah blah fucking blah.
It was a lovely meeting. I sat there crying as I was basically told in not so many words that I should prepare to get fucked the hell over on this one. And I was. No kiss. No foreplay. No lube. No respect in the morning.
April 15th was her day to go meet with the judge. I don't know what happened there. It's all behind closed doors. And why would anyone need to hear from me anyway? **rolls eyes**
Today I opened the letter that had the official case dismissal.
I'm a real fucking peach right now, as you can imagine.
Add to that this messed up crap from work, and it's amazing I'm not curled up in a corner holding myself rocking back and forth crying for the Gods to come help me.
What's going on with work you ask?
It's really hard to get into because there's so much spin and bullshit being thrown around I don't have a straight answer. I can only tell you how I feel about what I'm perceiving to be happening. As a point of clarification, I've already been told that I'm wrong because nobody knows what's going on. So I guess, based on that spin, I'm "jumping to conclusions".
I'm also trying to figure out how to share the information without making it sound like I hate my job. I don't. In fact, I love my job. I enjoy what I do. I thought I had been doing a good job.
I've been told that any changes are in no way a reflection of my job or my abilities. HOWEVER, and this is how I took it, I've essentially capped out my skill level and the organization needs to be taken further. Someone is being looked at to be brought on board to "take us to that next level". The someone being looked at has skills that I don't have and connections that I don't have. As such, that someone would be placed as a manager over me and what I do.
Now I've been told that we don't know what anything will *really* look like with the new person on board, just that they will be over me but other than that it's unknown. As such I've been asked to look at my job duties and basically parse them out based on what I see myself doing or where I see myself going in the future. This will somehow leave me with some of what I'm doing, though I don't know what exactly, and leave this new manager person with some of what I'm doing.
The problems I have are as follows:
1. Since I'm the insubordinate (read piss boy) I don't see why it's my job to change my job duties/description. It would seem to me that this is something that the employer would do.
2. I'd really rather just be told what the fuck to do so I can do it (inadequately apparently) and be done with it.
3. I don't appreciate this make me design my manager's job description thing.
4. I don't believe that I'm being told the complete truth about what's going on in the first place. Why does there need to be spin and shit? If you feel like the organization is running shitty then say it and be done with it but don't play this political smiley face make everyone think it's all ok crap.
5. Now I'm going to have to get the union involved. And I fucking hate the union. I hate having to go to someone that I hate.
6. Don't EVEN fucking think for half a second that you're going to tell me that my skill level is capped out and that I'm essentially stunted as a professional and then expect me to train this person you're putting over me. What are you doing? Having the retard train the engineer?
I feel stuck right now. I'm really damned if I do, damned if I don't. Either I can shut up and try to create these new job tasks as I've been asked to, or I can simply say that I don't have enough information or skills or whatever and just not do it. I don't know what the repercussions are either way. Either way I could be fucking myself professionally.
So what do you think? What are your opinions on this whole job thing? That is if my understanding of things is accurate of course.
Like I said, I love my job. I thought I did it well. Am I perfect? Fuck no. I've never pretended to be. I'm only human but I do the best that I can. I suddenly feel like my best is inadequate. It's been a real hit to my ego. I feel like I've been called stunted and untrainable.
I'm more tired than pissed off. I'm so very, very tired over the work thing.
And to top everything off... the giant cherry on the fuckme sunday... I hit a fucking pole with my car! A little, ha-ha can't see me when you're backing up and turning out of the parking lot, pole. Sneaky piece of shit pole.
I cracked under the pressure and I'm now enjoying myself a butterscotch schnapps slushee. Fuck off. I'm from Montana.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
My Diet Numbers & An Update
I've been in my program for 10 weeks and here are my numbers thus far (without giving that terrible starting number that I'm so horribly ashamed of right now)
I'm down 33.4lbs
I've lost 7 inches on my waist and 4 inches on my hips
My blood pressure was 108/60 and I get to cut my blood pressure meds in half!
My total body fat is down 6% and my BMI is down 6 points.
I've moved from the "morbidly obese" category to "Obese".
Tuesday was what I've now termed, my "Day of Doctors".
I started my day with my primary care doctor. He's ordered an ultrasound of my liver to see if I have a fatty liver and maybe that's why my levels are up. He's also ordered a vast array of blood work that I had done. He was not pleased about my decision to stop taking my Cymbalta.
I went from the PCP to the lab, where I spent a lovely few moments with a very gently phlebotomist. She pulled an almost unhealthy amount of blood from me, but did so in such a manner as to actually NOT cause bruising for once.
My afternoon appointment was with my weight loss doctor, where he provided me with my exciting progress numbers and told me that he thinks my liver numbers are due to the diet. Apparently when the body is processing fat reserves, it takes a bit more effort for the liver and will cause more enzymes... or something like that. He said that to calm those numbers we can add more calories to my diet. I'm thinking someone will have to hold me down and cram the food down my throat because I've been working hard with this diet and I'm not willing to move on to phase two yet. I still have 86lbs to lose. This doctor was also not pleased about me stopping my Cymbalta.
My final doctor event for the day was a conference call with my therapist. She was most displeased that I had stopped taking my Cymbalta. She's going to be contacting the lab to talk to them about the possibility that they got a "false positive" on my liver reading. She's also convinced me to take a small dose of Cymbalta and step down my use for the next few weeks instead of going cold turkey.
I'm looking forward to being off of the antidepressant. I have more energy and feel more "normal" in some aspects. And since I didn't cry over Monday night's episode of House nor have I slain anyone for their stupidity, I think I'm doing pretty good.
I think that I might be able to write again when I'm off of the meds. I can think of things that I want to say, I just can't get it all out just yet. But it's a step in the right direction.
Things feel good and I'm so excited to see what the future brings.
I'm down 33.4lbs
I've lost 7 inches on my waist and 4 inches on my hips
My blood pressure was 108/60 and I get to cut my blood pressure meds in half!
My total body fat is down 6% and my BMI is down 6 points.
I've moved from the "morbidly obese" category to "Obese".
Tuesday was what I've now termed, my "Day of Doctors".
I started my day with my primary care doctor. He's ordered an ultrasound of my liver to see if I have a fatty liver and maybe that's why my levels are up. He's also ordered a vast array of blood work that I had done. He was not pleased about my decision to stop taking my Cymbalta.
I went from the PCP to the lab, where I spent a lovely few moments with a very gently phlebotomist. She pulled an almost unhealthy amount of blood from me, but did so in such a manner as to actually NOT cause bruising for once.
My afternoon appointment was with my weight loss doctor, where he provided me with my exciting progress numbers and told me that he thinks my liver numbers are due to the diet. Apparently when the body is processing fat reserves, it takes a bit more effort for the liver and will cause more enzymes... or something like that. He said that to calm those numbers we can add more calories to my diet. I'm thinking someone will have to hold me down and cram the food down my throat because I've been working hard with this diet and I'm not willing to move on to phase two yet. I still have 86lbs to lose. This doctor was also not pleased about me stopping my Cymbalta.
My final doctor event for the day was a conference call with my therapist. She was most displeased that I had stopped taking my Cymbalta. She's going to be contacting the lab to talk to them about the possibility that they got a "false positive" on my liver reading. She's also convinced me to take a small dose of Cymbalta and step down my use for the next few weeks instead of going cold turkey.
I'm looking forward to being off of the antidepressant. I have more energy and feel more "normal" in some aspects. And since I didn't cry over Monday night's episode of House nor have I slain anyone for their stupidity, I think I'm doing pretty good.
I think that I might be able to write again when I'm off of the meds. I can think of things that I want to say, I just can't get it all out just yet. But it's a step in the right direction.
Things feel good and I'm so excited to see what the future brings.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Update - pretty boring, mostly health related
So two weeks ago I had a pain in my abdomen that caused me to miss a day of work. When the pain subsided and I went back to work, some colleagues were concerned that the pain was gallbladder issues. So after some prodding from them, I called the doctor and made an appointment.
Initially it was assumed that I had a gallbladder attack. I don't know exactly what that means, but I pictured little demons in my belly with fangs running around terrorizing my internal organs.
As part of that visit, I had to go to the lab and get some tests done. I didn't think anything of it and went home hoping that I don't ever have an attack like that again because it sucked ass.
The next week I end up at the doctor's office because of an apparent UTI. For this visit I go to the lab, leave my sample, get confirmation that there's an infection and get an antibiotic and go home. Two days later I'm in even more pain and can't go to work. I go back to the doctor. I'm ready to start paying rent at Kaiser.
Turns out that my infection has to be complicated and it's resistant to the antibiotic that they gave me and I was getting worse. So we got that straightened out.
However, while I was there we got to review the test results from my previous week's visit. There's a problem with my liver enzyme counts, as it's pretty elevated. And when they say pretty elevated, they mean elevated. Like they were looking into risk factors for Hep C and all kinds of shit.
To give you an idea, here is some information on the two tests that I had done:
SGOT (Serum Glutamic-Oxalocetic Transaminase - AST)
Serum Glutamic Oxalocetic Transaminase or AST is an enzyme found primarily in the liver, heart, kidney, pancreas, and muscles. Seen in tissue damage, especially heart and liver, this enzyme is normally elevated. Vitamin B deficiency and pregnancy are two instances where the enzyme may be decreased.
Normal Adult Range: 0 - 42 U/L
Optimal Adult Reading: 21
My AST is 85.
SGPT (Serum Glutamic-Pyruvic Transaminase - ALT)
Serum Glutamic Pyruvic Transaminase or ALT is an enzyme found primarily in the liver but also to a lesser degree, the heart and other tissues. It is useful in diagnosing liver function more so than SGOT levels. Decreased SGPT in combination with increased cholesterol levels is seen in cases of a congested liver. We also see increased levels in mononucleosis, alcoholism, liver damage, kidney infection, chemical pollutants or myocardial infarction.
Normal Adult Range: 0 - 48 U/L
Optimal Adult Reading: 24
My ALT is 114.
So the doctor was pretty concerned. She pressed on my liver and decided that my issue was not gallbladder as previously presumed. It was decided that high liver enzymes can cause pain and that's what the pain was. (May or may not be true, I think it's a pretty moot point right now - liver has an issue and that's all I need to know right now). With this new information, it made it a little more difficult to choose an antibiotic to treat the UTI because we wanted one that wouldn't affect the liver. It also fucked me on pain meds because I can't take anything over the counter because it'll irritate the liver, and they didn't give me anything for the pain. That was nice of them.
The solution? Stop taking my antidepressant. It's got a potential to affect the liver like this and I knew that when I started taking it in 2006. So I have to call my therapist with this news.
It's my own fault really. I wanted to be off of medications, I meditated on it and focused energy into it and I wasn't clear with how to get off of the medications. I really have to be more clear and precise when I do these things. This isn't the first time I've done something like this, only not to this degree. You'd think I'd learn!
Anyway - the doctors are also concerned that my diet could be affecting the liver function. I'm waiting to see if the antidepressant removal brings the numbers down first. Why? Because I'm down 27.6lbs since February 5th and I'm not ready to give that up if I don't have to just yet.
In the wake of all of this is me - one antidepressant less - trying to function as a normal human being.
Good luck with that.
I watched a proposal on Ace of Cakes (yes, I watch the food network while I'm on my diet) and I cried. Not over the cake, but over the proposal.
Today I felt the need to batter my husband. I didn't do it. But the need was there.
And that's what's up with me.
Initially it was assumed that I had a gallbladder attack. I don't know exactly what that means, but I pictured little demons in my belly with fangs running around terrorizing my internal organs.
As part of that visit, I had to go to the lab and get some tests done. I didn't think anything of it and went home hoping that I don't ever have an attack like that again because it sucked ass.
The next week I end up at the doctor's office because of an apparent UTI. For this visit I go to the lab, leave my sample, get confirmation that there's an infection and get an antibiotic and go home. Two days later I'm in even more pain and can't go to work. I go back to the doctor. I'm ready to start paying rent at Kaiser.
Turns out that my infection has to be complicated and it's resistant to the antibiotic that they gave me and I was getting worse. So we got that straightened out.
However, while I was there we got to review the test results from my previous week's visit. There's a problem with my liver enzyme counts, as it's pretty elevated. And when they say pretty elevated, they mean elevated. Like they were looking into risk factors for Hep C and all kinds of shit.
To give you an idea, here is some information on the two tests that I had done:
SGOT (Serum Glutamic-Oxalocetic Transaminase - AST)
Serum Glutamic Oxalocetic Transaminase or AST is an enzyme found primarily in the liver, heart, kidney, pancreas, and muscles. Seen in tissue damage, especially heart and liver, this enzyme is normally elevated. Vitamin B deficiency and pregnancy are two instances where the enzyme may be decreased.
Normal Adult Range: 0 - 42 U/L
Optimal Adult Reading: 21
My AST is 85.
SGPT (Serum Glutamic-Pyruvic Transaminase - ALT)
Serum Glutamic Pyruvic Transaminase or ALT is an enzyme found primarily in the liver but also to a lesser degree, the heart and other tissues. It is useful in diagnosing liver function more so than SGOT levels. Decreased SGPT in combination with increased cholesterol levels is seen in cases of a congested liver. We also see increased levels in mononucleosis, alcoholism, liver damage, kidney infection, chemical pollutants or myocardial infarction.
Normal Adult Range: 0 - 48 U/L
Optimal Adult Reading: 24
My ALT is 114.
So the doctor was pretty concerned. She pressed on my liver and decided that my issue was not gallbladder as previously presumed. It was decided that high liver enzymes can cause pain and that's what the pain was. (May or may not be true, I think it's a pretty moot point right now - liver has an issue and that's all I need to know right now). With this new information, it made it a little more difficult to choose an antibiotic to treat the UTI because we wanted one that wouldn't affect the liver. It also fucked me on pain meds because I can't take anything over the counter because it'll irritate the liver, and they didn't give me anything for the pain. That was nice of them.
The solution? Stop taking my antidepressant. It's got a potential to affect the liver like this and I knew that when I started taking it in 2006. So I have to call my therapist with this news.
It's my own fault really. I wanted to be off of medications, I meditated on it and focused energy into it and I wasn't clear with how to get off of the medications. I really have to be more clear and precise when I do these things. This isn't the first time I've done something like this, only not to this degree. You'd think I'd learn!
Anyway - the doctors are also concerned that my diet could be affecting the liver function. I'm waiting to see if the antidepressant removal brings the numbers down first. Why? Because I'm down 27.6lbs since February 5th and I'm not ready to give that up if I don't have to just yet.
In the wake of all of this is me - one antidepressant less - trying to function as a normal human being.
Good luck with that.
I watched a proposal on Ace of Cakes (yes, I watch the food network while I'm on my diet) and I cried. Not over the cake, but over the proposal.
Today I felt the need to batter my husband. I didn't do it. But the need was there.
And that's what's up with me.
Monday, March 9, 2009
act like a fucking adult already
I'm so fucking sick of adults who call me, pretending to be adults and only telling half their story and then I find out there's more to it - more that they left out that sheds light on their not-so-adult behaviors.
So let me back up.
Mark has a girlfriend that he's had since about... oh December or so. This girlfriend apparently has problems with her family and lives with her friend. I'm not gonna judge. Sometimes these things happen. I know first hand.
I get a call tonight from the step-mother of the friend that the girlfriend lives with. She starts in by telling me that Megan, the girlfriend, has been going downhill since dating Mark. (ok, at what point does the girl get to take responsibility for her own actions? You can only blame so much on friends. Trust me - I'd love to blame everything my kids do on someone else but the reality is they're responsible for their own actions) Megan's grades have gone downhill, her attitude sucks ass, she's treating the friend like shit and the list goes on.
OK. I'm thinking what do you want me to do.
She then goes on to say and I don't know if you're aware but Mark has been sneaking out of the house to come over here. *gasp*
So when did this happen I ask?
Well not since December she says.
Now in December, I caught Mark and had a nice little chat with him and, as far as I know and as far as anyone can tell, Mark hasn't snuck out in the middle of the night again. So I'm thinking if you're so offended by this action, why didn't you tell me about it in December? It's March for Fuck's sake?
So what has her all riled up? Mark texted her and told her to Fuck off.
I apologized to her and said, you know - I'm not excusing his actions but what happened to cause him to do that? She says they were talking about sending Megan back to Hillsboro to her family and that was Mark's reaction.
So I apologize. I explain some of the things that we've done to try to curb his anger and tell her that we'll address him.
She continues to tell me that Mark was at her house at 7am this past Friday in bed naked with Megan and they're just at their wits end.
OK I said I'd address it. I'm thinking what do you want me to do, promise to flog him? I apologize once more for good measure.
I call Mark down and ask for his phone.
First, No he hasn't gone out since he was caught in December. He and Megan spoke about it and she didn't want him to risk getting caught again.
Second, he did tell her to fuck off. He told her to fuck off AFTER this 30something year old woman tested him that he was an uneducated son of a bitch and that he could have fun being alone because they were going to send Megan back to Hillsboro.
That's all I needed to stop giving a shit. You want to call me and pretend to be the caring parent, you better fucking actually BE a caring parent, not some vindictive piece of shit who's out to fuck with my kid.
You got a legitimate problem with my kid, take it up with me. I'll take it up with the kid. You suddenly can't handle the teenage years, welcome to my fucking world. I have the names of some good medications and some therapists you can call, but DON'T fuck with my kid.
See, I've got something you lack - common fucking sense! And while it may seem that I'm lacking it at the moment because I'm I-FUCKING-RATE, I've got a level of maturity that you're sorely lacking as a parent. I"m not going to flog my child or try to ruin his life based on the word of some stupid bitch I don't know.
Do I think my kid is 100% honest? No. But I can tell when he's lying here and when he's telling the truth. For the most part, he's being truthful. You're an immature piece of shit that thrives on teenage drama. For whatever reason, your adult life is lacking and you are trying to live vicariously through your step-daughter and her friend. They're not living the way you want them to so you have to try to make things hard for them.
GET HELP.
Seriously.
You have a fucking issue.
So let me back up.
Mark has a girlfriend that he's had since about... oh December or so. This girlfriend apparently has problems with her family and lives with her friend. I'm not gonna judge. Sometimes these things happen. I know first hand.
I get a call tonight from the step-mother of the friend that the girlfriend lives with. She starts in by telling me that Megan, the girlfriend, has been going downhill since dating Mark. (ok, at what point does the girl get to take responsibility for her own actions? You can only blame so much on friends. Trust me - I'd love to blame everything my kids do on someone else but the reality is they're responsible for their own actions) Megan's grades have gone downhill, her attitude sucks ass, she's treating the friend like shit and the list goes on.
OK. I'm thinking what do you want me to do.
She then goes on to say and I don't know if you're aware but Mark has been sneaking out of the house to come over here. *gasp*
So when did this happen I ask?
Well not since December she says.
Now in December, I caught Mark and had a nice little chat with him and, as far as I know and as far as anyone can tell, Mark hasn't snuck out in the middle of the night again. So I'm thinking if you're so offended by this action, why didn't you tell me about it in December? It's March for Fuck's sake?
So what has her all riled up? Mark texted her and told her to Fuck off.
I apologized to her and said, you know - I'm not excusing his actions but what happened to cause him to do that? She says they were talking about sending Megan back to Hillsboro to her family and that was Mark's reaction.
So I apologize. I explain some of the things that we've done to try to curb his anger and tell her that we'll address him.
She continues to tell me that Mark was at her house at 7am this past Friday in bed naked with Megan and they're just at their wits end.
OK I said I'd address it. I'm thinking what do you want me to do, promise to flog him? I apologize once more for good measure.
I call Mark down and ask for his phone.
First, No he hasn't gone out since he was caught in December. He and Megan spoke about it and she didn't want him to risk getting caught again.
Second, he did tell her to fuck off. He told her to fuck off AFTER this 30something year old woman tested him that he was an uneducated son of a bitch and that he could have fun being alone because they were going to send Megan back to Hillsboro.
That's all I needed to stop giving a shit. You want to call me and pretend to be the caring parent, you better fucking actually BE a caring parent, not some vindictive piece of shit who's out to fuck with my kid.
You got a legitimate problem with my kid, take it up with me. I'll take it up with the kid. You suddenly can't handle the teenage years, welcome to my fucking world. I have the names of some good medications and some therapists you can call, but DON'T fuck with my kid.
See, I've got something you lack - common fucking sense! And while it may seem that I'm lacking it at the moment because I'm I-FUCKING-RATE, I've got a level of maturity that you're sorely lacking as a parent. I"m not going to flog my child or try to ruin his life based on the word of some stupid bitch I don't know.
Do I think my kid is 100% honest? No. But I can tell when he's lying here and when he's telling the truth. For the most part, he's being truthful. You're an immature piece of shit that thrives on teenage drama. For whatever reason, your adult life is lacking and you are trying to live vicariously through your step-daughter and her friend. They're not living the way you want them to so you have to try to make things hard for them.
GET HELP.
Seriously.
You have a fucking issue.
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